Episode 2: Why Having Enough Patience in Parenting Isn't the Goal

I'm super excited about today's episode because I get to talk about my favorite topic. Reactivity.  

I can talk about this topic all day long. About how our brains work and trigger the stress response that drives our reactivity. Moms want so much to be more patient, yet, what if having enough patience wasn't the goal? I'm going to introduce you to what I call patience fatigue and empowered parenting. We're going to dive deep into the inner work we must do to create the change we desire. For ourselves & for our families. Here we go...

Reactivity simply stated is the activation of our stress response. We're then trained to look outward to explain our reaction. We see life happening & we react to it. What I truly want you to know is this... reactivity's never about the outside world, but about what’s going on within you.  Reactivity is demanding the world shape up so we get what we want. We're stuck waiting for everything and everybody else to change so that we get what we want. We focus on what our children or our partners are doing/not doing. We're giving our power away.

“Reacting is human.  It's a biological process. It's part of who we are as humans.”

The stress response is a primal one. It isn't going away. Yet, when the goal is to simply try and have more patience when faced with a triggering situation, we will at some point always fall short. This is patience fatigue.  Patience fatigue comes because we're using up our reserves all day. Our trigger for reactivity gets shorter and shorter as the day goes on. No wonder bedtime sucks. There will never be enough patience. This is why it's time to change the approach.

“As emotional beings, we’re always going to feel an emotion about an experience. About our circumstances. Based on thoughts we don’t even know are there.”

Our brains store ALL experiences as memories. It then uses this information from the past to predict the present and how we need to react now. We experience a wave of emotion and just like that, we're in reaction before we even know what we're reacting to. The release of stress hormones has been activated and happens at lightning speed, completely outside of our awareness.

When the wave of emotions come up (stress response is activated) in parenting, it feels the same to our body as if there were a real, physical threat. And when we're in this place, our higher functioning, critical thinking pre-frontal cortex is not even available to guide us and we're only looking to win. It's literally not an option to create an intentional response in line with how we want to respond. We don't have access to compassion or creative problem-solving. We simply don't have access to this part of our brain.

Faced with a child in front of you acting as a child does, you get triggered. The primal brain takes over and you fight to be right. This creates constant power struggles. We get triggered and the mind gets to work to justify the initial, immediate reaction by looking to your circumstances for the cause. So we prepare for battle...with our child. We fight. We fight to win. We fight to be right. We force compliance. And in doing so, we're creating disconnection.

"This is why with Empowered Parenting, we learn to take responsibility for our responses, for our reactivity. Because any time we try to exert force, or we try to control, there will always be a counterforce. When we try to fight to be right, or have it our way, or only see this single solution, it is human nature for the other person to dig their heels in a demand autonomy & independence for themselves."

When we learn to look within, we gain power. Because as we understand ourselves, we learn to regulate our emotional reactivity. We learn to cultivate calm from the inside out. We're able to place limits for our children respectfully and without engaging in a power struggle. This doesn't mean they'll always be calm and cooperative. The Empowered Parent understands they are not responsible for their child's experience, emotional response, or behavior.

"What I can control, where I gain influence, is on staying calm."

"Influence comes from connection, not control."

But most of us don't how know to be calm. How to feel calm. We just keep trying harder. That's never a solution.

"Reactivity isn't about getting the world to behave around us. It is about the journey within."

It's about learning the tools and shifting the mindset so we can neutralize our triggers. So we can take that sacred pause. So we can choose our response.  This is HARD.  It's literally changing neural networks with conscious effort.  It takes practice.  It’s messy and far from perfect.

"It takes commitment and implementation over & over & over again. Seeing your reactivity as your guide, as your learning, as opportunities for growth."

Being proactive in parenting is the key to what I call Empowered Parenting. Trying only to stay calm in the heat of the moment, when our children really need it, can feel impossible. So rather than just trying to have more patience, which never works, we must cultivate awareness of our reactivity pathway, to calm on the front end, before we need it.

Empowered motherhood includes 4 pillars of growth that support you to create a pause between your inner reaction and your outward response. The goal isn't to stop reacting but to choose your response. The way out of being at the mercy of our reactivity is through our own personal journey in creating balance in these four pillars. This is the journey to feeling good and no longer trying to simply muster up enough patience.

"You only control yourself. And it's in honoring yourself that everything else gets to change."

Welcome to the conversation!

Check out Episode 1: Welcome to the Conversation & Episode 3: How I Know You’re NOT Failing.

Then join the Thrive in Motherhood Community!