Episode 13: Thriving in Marriage with Michelle Purta
Get excited guys!! Life + Marriage Coach for Moms, Michelle Purta is here. She's a wife, stepmom, and mom of three kids. She helps women who have lost themselves to motherhood, want to be happier, and LOVE their life & marriage again. She coaches moms on how to stop living life on autopilot and start living life on purpose, deepen their connection to themselves, and strengthen their marriage.
She is refreshingly straight forward saying what you may not want to hear but need to. I absolutely loved talking with her, as she dropped nuggets of golden wisdom throughout. Ready to save, improve, or up-level your marriage? This episode is for you...
After having her son, Michelle experienced such a huge shift. She felt like she lost her identity, barely caring for herself, each day rolling into the next without definition to separate them. Everything revolving around motherhood. Living life on autopilot. She found her good marriage growing disconnected with more & more arguments and realized she could no longer live like this. "We didn’t bring this child into this life to then hate each other."
“We are the foundation of the family, and so we need to do work to maintain that foundation’s strength.”
Michelle gets real with us right away talking about one of the biggest pitfalls in our marriages which is that we try to force instead of influence. We want our husband to do or be a certain way, in order for us to feel happy, calm, content, insert desired emotion. So we demand, criticize, blame. Our happiness is on the line so we dig in, trying to force him & the relationship to create our happiness. This doesn't work. Ever.
Since it is US that creates our experience, we get to work on creating what we want from the inside out. We focus on how we are showing up, how we are taking care of ourselves.
“Instead of fixating on all the ways our partner isn't meeting our needs, we concentrate on how we are taking care of our own needs.”
How can WE create the experience we want without anyone else needing to DO or BE anything? That is the focus. Stay in your lane. Create your experience. Do you. Pave the way.
This doesn't mean that we can't share with our partner what we're doing, but Michelle reminds us to do it "without the intention of ‘you’re going to do it too, right?'"
“This is criticizing him and insulting him. Why would he listen to you if you come at him like that?"
"What if I came to him without trying to force him? He will be more receptive."
Well, of course, he will be and it's so easy to lose sight of this when we're in the heat of an emotional reaction. I needed this reminder.
As I talk about in the last episode, our journey of healing, of getting conscious of our conditioning is messy. And in this mess, in the context of a relationship, we often get resentful, wondering:
Why do I have to do the work?
Why is it ME that has to do it?
Why am I the only one showing up for our relationship?
Michelle truth bomb: When you step into that mentality of "why do I have to do the work?" you're stepping into a victim mentality, giving your power away to the problem.
She recommends focusing beyond what you're feeling in that moment & instead on what you're working towards. Towards the relationship you want.
"In order for you to create the change that you want, change needs to happen and you get to be the one to initiate it."
SO. MUCH. YES. Rather than viewing it as a burden, I believe this is actually our freedom. We are no longer left waiting for someone to do something different. We have the power.
"You need to be the kind of wife that has the kind of marriage that you want, in order to create that".
Mic. Drop.
What does this look like in real life? Michelle paints the picture beautifully when I ask her: “how do you know when you need to take a pause & look within to recommit? What are those early warning signs?”
It resonates deeply with me as she answers: "I feel it in my body first." She gets an adrenaline rush. An antsy-ness of needing to say something. She finds herself getting really critical and having zero patience. When she notices this, she reflects on where her needs aren't being met. She owns up that she's not showing up as her best self & begins the repair. She figures out & does the thing she needs to do so she "doesn't have another day or moment like that" in the near future.
The truth is we all feel it in our body first. It's a matter of becoming aware of these sensations, these messages our body is sending us. And then listening & honoring.
She goes on with more golden nuggets of wisdom...
"You can't nag your way into a happy, healthy marriage. YOU have to change. And by you transforming yourself, you will become a happier woman, wife, mom. And that's going to have a ripple effect"
"Your two choices are you either do something to create more connection or you do something to create more distance. What are you going to do?"
"It requires commitment, consistency, and compassion for yourself & for him."
"You always have an option. Just like you're choosing to stay in the marriage. If you're going to choose to stay in the marriage, how are you going to make it better?"
Make sure to give this one a listen!! There's so much more goodness!!
Connect with Michelle here:
Join her amazing Facebook community: Marriage in Motherhood
Instagram: @michellepurtacoaching
** Link to sign up for Free Workshop: Peaceful Parenting: the 3 keys to turn what you know into what you do mentioned in the intro of today’s episode!! Grab your spot here.