Episode 4: How to Have the Marriage You Want

Hi friends! Thriving in motherhood means thriving in all your relationships. When you have a partner, that relationship is vital to your well-being. In this episode, I'm applying a lot of the same perspectives & ideas that I've shared to the partner relationship.

If you're not currently involved in a romantic partnership, I invite you to consider any close relationship in your life. What I share with you has been a game-changer for my marriage. With an open mind, I trust that you will see your partner & yourself a bit differently after listening to this one. It might just be what you need to hear.

In my journey, I dove into motherhood first. It felt more pressing. My children were relying on me to regulate myself. It felt really hard. A big part of that "hard" was that I had a partner who wasn't on board with how I wanted to parent. I mean, he agreed with the concepts but he found it difficult to remain calm & find ways to parent that fostered connection. His dis-regulation made my job as a mom harder. He made it harder for me to stay calm. I blamed him. I was resentful. But here's the thing...it was easier to project onto him all the ways he was getting it wrong and blame him for it being so hard rather than to admit I was having the same struggles.

"I held him to a standard of parenting I hadn't yet mastered myself."

The perspective shift that changed my relationship with my husband AND also the relationship between my husband and our boys was this...

A woman's driving need is to feel loved & a man's driving need is to feel respected.

When these needs aren't met, a cycle of disconnection is created. This comes up in parenting as you correct, direct, tell them how it needs to be done. This is done out of concern. You just know better. He only needs to realize that we'd be happier & things would be easier if we just did it my way. (Realizing I was doing this was a rude awakening for me.)

Our approach is perceived by our partner as disrespectful. This corrodes connection & pokes holes in their confidence. Making it hard to want to express love from this place.  So you aren't getting what you need to feel connected. 

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. 

You end up waiting on them, needing them to give you what you needing to give yourself. In this waiting the resentment builds and you become more and more unwilling to give them what they need. 

We don't feel like it. Neither do they.  Who knows where this cycle started?  Who cares?  You're both in it.  Someone has to break it. 

If you want things to change, you go first. 

I know it can be hard seeing that your approach is contributing to the tension in the relationship.  I know I did.  The point is not to blame, but to take the lead in shifting it.  

"If we want it to change, it's in our control. To me, this is freedom."

You don't have to sit in resentment waiting. You can let go of your resentment, of needing to be right. And from a place of empowerment, you can choose to give him respect, to give him what he needs. That could be the key to getting more of what you need and want. Give to get. Win-win.

"What if the path to what you want goes through respecting him?"

But wow, can this feel like a tall order. In order to do this, I had to first find my happiness on my own. I had to stop expecting him to make me happy. I had to create the capacity to show love by loving myself first.

"Happy is my responsibility to find."

I invite you to consider giving respect to your partner daily. Consider giving it as freely as you give love. Find the things you can offer respect for. Shift focus from what you don't have to what you do have and what's possible for your relationship.

It is a choice. Often a hard one. But this is about setting the relationship up for success rather than waiting for your partner to change so you get what you want.

This obviously isn't how it is for everybody or every relationship and however this lands with you, I invite you to consider how this dynamic might be playing out in your relationship.

There are many more ways in which to help you shift (I talk about them in the episode), so if this resonates with you go on and listen to the episode. It's juicy.

Welcome to the conversation.

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