Episode 9: Boundaries Part 2: Navigating Relationships
Ah, boundaries. They can be tricky, can't they? Especially when setting them within our relationships. It can feel SO much easier to just not even deal with them. But, they are necessary for healthy relationships. And when we can shift our perspective to seeing them for what they really are: doorways to what we’re available for that support and fortify our relationships, they get a little easier to navigate. What can often be overlooked is that how we create & set boundaries affects our well-being & the likelihood of success with them. Let's dive in...
Healing work is vital in helping us set boundaries.
First, we must understand the foundation for healthy boundary work & for setting them successfully. They must originate from a place of worthiness, from valuing ourselves. Honoring ourselves & our needs is the necessary "come from" in order to be successful with setting boundaries. Because if not, we'll either not set them at all believing we are unworthy of them or set them in reactivity & anger causing them to be more like punishments, ill-received by the other.
Healthy mental & emotional boundaries release us from the responsibility of other's emotional states. This isn't to say we are unkind to others or don't care about how they feel. We do. It's simply understanding that:
a) it's up to us to take care of ourselves, to meet our own needs and
b) we actually don't have control over how they feel. All of this comes with awareness as we do the healing work. It is possible to be kind and firm. It's letting other's know what we are available for, meaning, what type of behavior we will engage with.
As you consistently set & hold boundaries it frees up your energy to support the relationship.
So often we let go of our boundaries to avoid starting a fight or a tantrum. Look, I get it. I don't want to experience the uncomfortable feelings that often arise as boundaries are set & held. But as you ignore a boundary, you are suppressing your needs. And I promise the anxiety & guilt lessens as you hone this skill. And again, as you do the healing work, you get better at regulating your own emotional state, making this process less triggering for you.
You'll know if boundaries are needed in your relationship if you're feeling anger, frustration, and especially resentment. Resentment is always a sign that you have given your power away & not held a boundary.
"I've tried to set boundaries, it didn't work. Nothing changed." Likely they were set from this "negative" emotional state, (even if it's brewing under the surface) and not held with consistency.
The key is to set a boundary for yourself, not as a punishment for the other person.
Boundaries are not something that requires someone else to take action. They are what YOU will or won't do given the circumstances. They don't require someone else to do something so that you get what you want. They are all about personal responsibility. Setting empowered boundaries is giving a clear path to others of what we are available for. We get to choose to not engage when others aren't treating us how we'd like. And we will choose to honor those boundaries as we value ourselves.
When we can set them firmly yet with kindness & with a focus on connection they are SO much more effective.
The person with strong boundaries is not afraid of the temper tantrum that might result. The person with weak boundaries is terrified of it. We don't need to blame or shame ourselves if we have weak boundaries. Let's give ourselves a break. This takes time. Most of us have to learn this new skill. We have to heal the unresolved issues within us that tell us boundaries are unsafe, or that we aren't worthy of having them. And, they are a one & done kind of thing. They take repetition and consistency.
Others will likely resist your new boundaries. They might believe THEIR emotions are because of YOUR choices and they will try to put that on you. But with self-awareness, we can regulate our own emotional state & not take responsibility for others. We grow in our self-confidence, trust & compassion for ourselves every time we hold a boundary. Boundaries build our self-esteem because it takes courage to make yourself a priority.
It is worth noting that there will be times when you choose to make a sacrifice for someone you care about but the important thing to know here: you must WANT to do it. It must be by choice vs. feeling like you have to. Acts of affection are only valid if performed without expectation.
The 3 C's of setting boundaries
Clarity: knowing what your limit is and creating the choice for someone to take responsibility for their actions
Connection (plus a little communication): successful boundary setting does not happen from anger/resentment. They are set from a place of calm because otherwise there will always be push back. This requires us to regulate OUR emotions first. Strong boundaries are set from a place of inherent worthiness to feel happy and content. Having strong personal limits (from the first C) creates this.
It’s imperative to communicate your boundaries or expectations clearly & calmly because this allows for them to be received more effectively by the other person. Clear & non-negotiable language.
Consistency: holding the boundary over and over again without resentment. Others will not trust your boundary unless you hold it consistently. Yep, it's still there! And let's keep our expectations realistic. Your boundaries will likely not always be honored in the beginning. It takes time for others to trust you and this new boundary.
It's not enough to create your boundary. The success happens in the follow-through.
Bottom line: Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When we set boundaries, we’re less angry and resentful because our needs are getting met. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated. Boundaries are the foundation for happy, healthy relationships.
Tune in next week for Boundaries Part 3: Navigating Boundaries in Parenting (released on 10/27) where I dive into the conversation on how-to guide, support, and teach your child while also honoring your needs & limits.
If you missed Episode 8: Boundaries Part 1: Why They feel SO Freaking Hard, check it out here.
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