Episode 8: Boundaries Part 1: Why They Feel so Freaking Hard
Buckle up, Moms. Today I'm talking boundaries. Actually, I'll be talking boundaries for the next 3 weeks. That's how important they are. In fact, vital to healthy relationships. And, we’re starting off with why they feel SO hard. Which is one of the reasons why so many of us don't hold them. Or at least don't hold them well. Let's dig into why this is and why boundaries are SO important. My intention is for you to be inspired to begin some boundary work of your own.
Why we don't know what our boundaries are or how to hold them...
We all have needs. Period. And they matter. But we learn at a young age to deny ourselves these needs in order to please others, get more love & affection, and feel safe in our family. We decided there was a risk in having our own desires, wants, or needs. Expressing them could mean a withdrawal of love, even if unintentional. (To learn more about why this happens, listen to episode# 3). So we sacrifice our needs for others. In the process, we let go of so much of ourselves that we don’t learn who we really are. We learn to live from a false sense of self. The result? We don't know where our limits are & we never learned that it was safe to have boundaries.
Instead, we learn to be responsible for other's emotional states. When children see that mom is happy & loving when they "behave" but mom is angry, yelling & scary when they "misbehave" they see how they are affecting her emotions especially when they’re told “you’re making me so mad”. It's important to understand this because when we believe that we can control others’ emotions, we allow them to control ours. We are giving our power away. Our emotional state is at the effect of other’s behaviors. Bluntly put, we are victims of other's actions & our circumstances.
The way to restore our power, to restore our control, is through boundaries. I'm not talking about exerting power over others, but rather claiming your power, claiming control, over yourself. Because that is what boundaries are: empowered choices about what you will or won't do given a certain set of circumstances. They are not about getting the other person to do/not do anything.
A boundary is how WE will respond.
Personal boundaries are basic guidelines of how you want to be treated AND how you treat yourself. They can be defined by the limits we set with other people which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. We get to decide what we are available for with others when it comes to their emotional state, their demands, their behavior. We can hold ourselves responsible for our own choices.
The ability to know & hold healthy boundaries comes from a healthy sense of self-worth. Self-worth is finding intrinsic value (not contingent on what other's think) in who you are so that you can be aware that you’re entitled to:
Your own thoughts, opinions & feelings
Your own space, however wide it may be
Your own friends and to pursue your own social activities
Your own spiritual beliefs
From this place of valuing ourselves, we are able to honor our needs through boundaries. Otherwise, we will continue to sacrifice ourselves and be resentful towards others about it.
Boundaries are the ultimate self-care.
We all have limits. Boundaries communicate that line. They give us a sense of agency over our physical space, body & feelings.
Having boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority.
Whether that’s in self-care, or within relationships. You have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy & respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email. When we're honoring our boundaries and taking care of ourselves, we can show up better in our relationships.
Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life.
The biggest AHA for me was shifting my perspective to seeing a boundary as a doorway rather than a wall. It's not meant to keep people out, but rather guide them to where they can meet you, what you're available for with them. It directs them on how to get to you, how to have a relationship with you.
Boundaries are unique to everyone and a great place to begin is to consider the internal boundaries you hold for yourself. Think of these as self-discipline and how you interact with time & your schedule, your thoughts, your emotions, your behavior, and your cravings and impulses. If you’re doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, time for play, or eating your meals sitting down, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage your thoughts & feelings allows you to take your power back, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.
Begin to understand and know your limits. You can't set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand & what drains your energy. To start, consider what makes you feel uncomfortable, frustrated or resentful. What’s draining your energy. It’s these feelings that help us identify our limits to determine where a boundary might be needed. The resentment is the sign that a boundary you didn't create or didn't hold was overstepped. Either by someone else, or possibly even by you.
A great example comes to mind from a client. She was feeling resentful because her kids weren't sleeping through the night and she was tired. So tired. Yet she would stay up late watching tv. I know, I know. That adult time after the kids go to bed is glorious. It really is. Yet, if we follow the resentment, we discover that the real issue is her exhaustion. The boundary she hadn't set for herself that was getting overstepped was an earlier bedtime. Sure, she still doesn't like it when her kids wake her up in the night but because of her empowered choice to spend that glorious adult time doing something that she needs, doing something that serves her in a bigger way, she feels better and more able to handle the challenging demands of motherhood...like going years without an uninterrupted night's sleep.
Boundaries aren't about what others can give you but about what you can put in place that honors you. Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect.
So give yourself permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.
Join the Thrive in Motherhood Community to continue the conversation and be sure to stay tuned for the upcoming episodes on boundaries:
Boundaries Part 2: Navigating Relationships (to be released 10/20/20)
Boundaries Part 3: Navigating Boundaries in Parenting (to be released 10/27/20)