Episode #7: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Conversations
Hello and welcome back! I’m so jazzed to dive into today's topic. It's all about connected empowered communication. Do you ever feel at a complete loss on how to get through to your partner? Your child? You talk and talk and yet it seems to go nowhere.
Well, my friend, this episode is for you.
We’re going to talk about how you’re sabotaging your relationships through communication, what to look out for, and how to cultivate connected communication. I can't emphasize this enough: This is a relationship game-changer.
How does empowered communication differ from victim mentality communication?
Victim mentality communication is reacting to other's emotions. It's needing others to do/say/act in a certain way so we can feel calm. Most of us live here most of the time.
Connected, empowered communication is being responsible for your feelings. It’s honoring your boundaries. It’s extending compassion & empathy towards others while holding them as capable of being responsible for their feelings.
It’s an awareness that we’re having our own, unique experience & so is everyone else.
Awareness that our experience is the only thing we really have control over. This is how we stay calm amidst other’s big emotions.
"Connected/empowered communication is the ability to state your needs. To maintain compassion and empathy along with an awareness that everyone has their own reality. It's stepping out of having to defend your position."
"It is seeking to understand vs. be understood or be right"
"It is letting go of the responsibility of anyone else's emotional state"
Ah, yes. Freedom. This allows us to find calm. Not only does this feel better for us, but in doing so, we are inviting others to do the same. Because here is the thing...we lead with our energy.
"Your ability to return to your inner calm is where your influence in your communication lies."
So often when we feel overwhelmed & out of control we react with rigidity & inflexibility, creating the power struggle. But in calm, we can communicate what we need and not take other’s reactions personally, diffusing the battle for control.
Instead, creating connection. This connection brings more cooperation & a greater willingness to see the other side.
I dive deep into the dynamics of communication but for now, it's enough to know that it's comprised of a sender, a receiver, and the message (verbal & non-verbal). Think of it like a game of telephone where the message received is usually not the one that was sent. Everyone's emotional states, everyone's realities are tampering with both the encoding & decoding of messages. We’re defining other's words and actions from our own filter, from our own reality. As you can probably see, this is where we go awry.
In order to engage in healthy communication, we need to be aware of how our interpretation plays into our response.
This allows us to find that sweet middle ground, that center, where the duality of being right and accepting someone else's right can exist.
When we can respect other’s beliefs & opinions, when we can regulate our emotions, when we can show up in this empowered place it becomes more of a partnership, a give & take in communication. There are collaborative solutions vs. either/or solutions.
"It always begins with us"
I invite you to consider that shifting how you communicate, how you're asking for what you desire, happens BEFORE they’re going to show up differently. Think about it. We tend to focus on what they are doing wrong. This colors our communication through tone of voice, body language, choice of words, etc. They pick up that negative energy & close off to our communication. No wonder we get nowhere.
"When we're looking for someone else to give us this communication yet we're not doing the work to show up in it ourselves, we are giving our power away."
How WE show up dictates the tone of the conversation. Stop focusing on what's wrong. Start focusing on connection. Because as we aren't feeling connected, our level of cooperation and desire to work with the other person goes down as well as our ability & our willingness to be vulnerable.
We can work to understand the other person’s intent. We can choose to see below the surface of their words, their tone, their body language. We can ask ourselves:
How secure am I feeling in my relationship?
How secure is my partner feeling or my child feeling?
Am I demonstrating to them through my communication that they matter to me? That they are significant to me?
Does my partner or my child feel connected and loved by me?
Do I show love in real, tangible ways?
Do I show that I care about their preferences & needs even if I don't agree?
Am I sharing my time & undivided attention?
Am I giving the benefit of the doubt without resentment?
We can stop blaming them & be responsible for how we are showing up.
What we say and how we say it creates the emotional tone of the communication. The emotional state in which we enter determines the response we get and therefore the outcome.
Communication requires practice. Improving our communication can be supported by these 3 things:
Be mindful of what’s going through your mind as you communicate. Negative thinking will create negative communication.
Be aware that your inner lens, which is how you decode a message, is not the same lens through which someone else is seeing the world. Try paraphrasing what you’re hearing using your own words. “Let me see if I understand…”.
Listening is a better skill to practice than talking.
I suggest a solid listen to this week’s episode. Keep an open mind. Focus on what you can control. You hold the power.
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Check out the latest episodes:
Episode 4: How to Have the Marriage You Want
Episode 5: Healing From Stress with Kelly Haugh
Episode 6: How to Finally Feel Like Enough