Episode 21: You and Your Brain: Hearing the Messages with Dr. Nicole Byers
Moms. We only have so many mental resources. You likely are feeling this fact every single day. You feel burned out, overwhelmed, and have "mom-brain". You know, where you can't seem to remember anything. You feel like you’re operating in a fog. You can't quite seem to focus & function as well as you used to. This is why this week’s guest, neuropsychologist & host of The Bold Life podcast, Dr. Nicole Byers, is here. (Scroll down for full bio). She talks all about the toll on our brains & bodies when our mental resources have been depleted and how to reverse the damage.
When we become a mother, we take on so much! It can feel absolutely crazy-making at times. In an instant, we become responsible for these tiny, erratic, explosive, little humans that require so much of our mental, emotional & physical resources. Their needs & demands can feel like they never end and we’re often over-extended and running on empty. It's no wonder we’re operating in a fog and we forget how to function sometimes. I swear, I have straight up forgotten how to eat properly since becoming a mom and I have said, more times than I can count (especially to Irene) that it feels like my brain is broken.
Not only do the actual, very real demands deplete us most days, but becoming a mom carries with it all kinds of identity beliefs & big emotions that blow through our lives like a tornado, leaving nothing but wreckage & debris in its wake. Like guilt. Self-judgement. Shame. Having kids amplifies these emotions infinitely. We fear being a bad mom and ruining our kids. These emotions are SO draining. This extra mental load of self-judgment pulls at our resources at an alarming rate. It drains our vital energy.
"We're carrying this extra mental load. We are doing all these things. We are putting all of our focus on everyone else, ignoring what's going on for us. And because of the way that our brains & our bodies are connected, eventually, our body's going to say, "enough is enough'".
Your body is waving the white flag, Dr. Nicole says, screaming "I cannot handle this anymore." This is burn-out. The extreme exhaustion, fatigue, pain, muscle tension, headaches, stomach problems, trouble with memory, with speech, etc. These are all signals from the body & brain telling us we need to take care of ourselves, that our current MO of self-care is not working. But as Dr. Nicole points out, mom’s are really bad at listening to these signs. We just keep at it until we hit a wall. We keep going until we no longer have the physical resources to manage.
"We're so burnt out that we can't do the things that we really need to do, and that's not a good place to be in."
I teared up as I listened to her say this because it's so true for so many of us. We don't see another way to handle all the things. I mean we all need to eat, bathe, and the toilet needs to be cleaned at least sometimes. And what about how we're feeling? That seems to so often not be a factor in how our days go. We let ourselves get pushed to the end of the “take-care-of” list. So what do we do? How do we restore our resources in a consistent way?
Well, we take care of ourselves. We prioritize it.
Self-care really isn't a luxury, it’s an actual necessity. And no one else can do it for you.
Self-care has become a buzz word and I really don't want the importance to be lost on you because of it. Self-care is about taking actual care of yourself. It’s not about the spa day. It's about doing what gives you energy. Doing what makes you feel good mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, in a real, sustainable way. Like going to bed early because you know you’ll feel terrible tomorrow if you don’t get enough sleep. Or drinking enough water because you know if you don’t you’ll get a headache. Like giving yourself alone time to be with yourself without hearing "MOM!" every two seconds. Basic needs aside, it'll look different for everyone. There is no right way. There is just the way that works. For you. The way that fills you up.
And because we'll so often show up for others before we'll show up for ourselves, let's try on a really productive perspective.
"We can't save the world if we're burnt out."
Okay so maybe we're not trying to save the world, but we cannot be there for our family, for our kids, if our resources are tapped out. Let me say it another way: if you keep pushing yourself, you will harm your body & your brain. If you keep ignoring the signals from your brain & body, you will eventually render yourself useless. You will not be able to do the things that really need getting done.
It stands to reason that the better-taken care of you & your needs are, the better you can show up as a mom. The better your well-being, the better mom you are. Simple as that. It’s vital that you take really good care of yourself so that you can take really good of your kids. Not only is this true, but can be incredibly helpful to look at it this way.
And for those of you that never, ever treat yourself, sometimes it is about the spa day:)
Make sure to give this one a listen for all of Dr. Nicole's suggestions on how to restore our self-care.
Connect with Dr. Nicole:
Website: www.drnicolebyers.com
Facebook: @DrNicoleByers
Instagram: @drnicolebyers
Dr. Nicole Byers
Dr. Nicole Byers is a neuropsychologist, host of The Bold Life podcast, online educator, and chocolate enthusiast. Her passion is helping women overcome the mental barriers that leave them stuck in self-doubt so they can stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, and build the confidence to speak up, stop hesitating, and take action towards their goals. She has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Saskatchewan, she is an Adjunct Research Assistant Professor at the University of Calgary, and has published articles in professional journals in the areas of brain health. When I’m not talking about brain health and success I love to do crafts with my toddler, ski in the mountains close to my home in Calgary, Canada and watch reality TV with my husband.