Episode 27: Changing Your Child’s Behavior with Rosemary Clark
If you're a mom currently raising children this episode is for you. If you're a grandparent, this episode is for you. If you're a caregiver of children, this episode is for you. Basically, this episode is for everyone. It's that good.
Even though I've been actively working on parenting with respect & connection for almost 5 years, I got SO MUCH out of what today's guest, Rosemary Clark had to say. She is an Authorized Language of Listening® coach helping moms love the way they parent and holy smokes, you guys, she is a wise woman. She shares with us the basics of Language of Listening® that are anything but basic. They are profound. Basic in concept, profound in effect. I really think you are going to love this one. Let's dive in...
"I want my children to grow up and make their decisions about their behavior in their lives based on self-belief, based on how they see themselves, and how they view themselves rather than based on trying to avoid bad things from happening...making decisions based on fear."
Wow. What a delectable insight. I don't think I've ever thought this before. But it's hitting the nail on the head for me. I mean, of course, I don't want my children making fear-based decisions but this takes it one, necessary, step further. If they believe themselves a helpful, kind, strong, compassionate person, they will take helpful, kind, brave, compassionate actions. If they believe themselves worthy & valuable, the choices they'll make will be life-affirming ones that support them living their best life. This is where my favorite premise of the Language of Listening comes in...
"Children have every possible inner strength and they act according to who they believe they are. If you want to change your child's behavior, you change their self-belief. You change the view they have of themselves."
Which leads to the corresponding tool called strengths. This is where we say what we see our child doing, then follow up with the strength we see in that.
For example, "You are yelling. You are expressing your feelings." This seems so simple that what possible effect could it have? Well, when I'm not using this new-found tool, I am coming down on my daughter for yelling and that she must stop it. I imagine the message she is receiving with that is "Your feelings (that are causing the yelling) don't matter & I can't help you. You are on your own." By focusing on the strength that she knows how to use her voice & express herself, I am helping her to identify as a self-expressed person who is worthy & valued which leads to speaking up for herself. For advocating for herself. For standing in her power. Now that is the message I want to send to my girl.
"Change what you see and your reactions automatically change. And when you're reactions change, your child's behavior automatically changes."
I love this all so much because not only is it 100% in alignment with my belief of not using rewards/punishments (which teaches people-pleasing), it provides an alternate way of interacting with my children. A way that not only helps me see their strengths that I can be so blind to in my anger but also a way that nourishes their self-identity. It's a win-win, which is the only way to go when raising kids.
And this is just one of the glorious tools Rosemary shares with us. This episode speaks to my soul as mom desiring nothing more than to feel & to raise children who feel whole, worthy, loved & good about themselves.
I'm confident this is an episode you won't want to miss.
Connect with Rosemary
Website: https://afteraces.com
Facebook: @lovethewayyouparent
Instagram: @love.the.way.you.parent
Rosemary Clark
Newly married, in her early 30's, Rose found herself on a therapist's couch after burning out at work. It was there that she learned that she had had a highly abusive childhood. Her need to push herself SO HARD was rooted in trying to earn something that seemed out of reach her whole life - feeling her parents' love.
During her time in therapy, she became pregnant with her first child. When she became a mom, it magnified her insecurities and started triggering UNSHED TEARS and UNEXPRESSED ANGER. She felt she had 2 CHOICES… Fall into the abyss of repeating what her parents did, or learn completely new ways of relating.
Rose will forever be grateful that she stumbled upon the Language of Listening® A parenting model that not only allowed her to become the mom she always wanted to be, but also allowed her to re-parent herself.
Now, as an Authorized Language of Listening® coach, she specializes in helping moms who had difficult childhoods and gets them to a place where they LOVE the way they parent.