Episode 28: Parenting an Anxious Child with Dr. Tonya Crombie
Anxiety is all too common these days, with us & with our children. Especially after the last year. Thank you, 2020.
Today's guest, best-selling author, life coach & psychologist, Tonya Crombie (see below for bio) is here to talk about how we can support our children with their anxiety.
It probably won't come as a surprise to hear that you must take care of yourself first. You know, the whole, put your own oxygen mask on first analogy. The whole point is that we must get ourselves out of the anxious state first so that we can support our kiddos in doing the same. No amount of telling our children to breathe when we ourselves are in a heightened, irrational state will work.
"I've got to get a hold of something and the only thing I can get a hold of is me."
An anxious mom can't help an anxious child. We must get ourselves out of our primal brain & get our executive-functioning, critical-thinking brain active again before we can have any effect in helping our children with their emotional state. This is paramount. Sure, there are tips to help with your child (Tonya shares some in the episode) but even if you learn nothing else, this on its own will work wonders. A calm, peaceful mom, allows for a calm, peaceful environment for your kiddos where they can explore & process their feelings. You don't really need tools. The best way to help your unique child will come to you, their mother, in your calm.
"YOU, the parent, are the absolute best & most important person to help your child when he/she struggles with anxiety. Not your pediatrician, or the therapist."
Truly, you are the perfect mom for your child. You know them better than anyone. You have the most influence. You love them the most. There is a unique relationship between mother & child like no other. And what a beautiful thing. It’s meant to be that way.
"The most reinforcing thing you can do to an anxious brain is take away the thing that's making them anxious. Then it's this huge feedback loop."
Well, crap. Ain't that the truth spelled out right in front of us? It makes so much sense. Unless & until our children learn how to process their tough emotions in a healthy way, they will always be at the mercy of the thing or things that cause anxiety, fear, worry, etc. Because the truth of it is that there will always be some external thing that can throw us for a loop.
"I know you can do it. I, as your mother who loves you, would not put you in a situation that I knew you were going to fall apart. I've always known you could handle this and you did."
It's important we communicate this to our children, even indirectly. And I'd like to acknowledge how hard this can be. Seeing our children in distress is way harder than being in distress ourselves. It means that we must get ourselves to the place where we are believing in our child. Believing they are strong, resilient and can handle tough things. In order to do so, we must believe it for ourselves first.
I'll offer a personal example: my 4-year-old son is scared to go to sleep on his own. The thought of him feeling abandoned or unsupported during a very real, tough emotion makes me feel terrible. So I stay with him until he falls asleep. Now often times, I tell myself that I stay because I want him to feel safe, and I do. But if I'm being honest, my under-the-radar reason is probably so that I don't have to feel the terrible-mom-who's-messing-up-her-kid feeling that comes when I make him go to sleep on his own. I stay because I'm not believing that I can handle those tough emotions. I'm avoiding them. And it feels SO good for both me and my son in the moment. I get to feel like a good mom supporting her son while not feeling painful guilt and he gets to feel safe while falling asleep.
But in my feelings avoidance, I am indirectly sending him the message that I don't believe in him. That I don't believe he can handle tough feelings. Well, crap.
So here we are. Full circle. It's starts with us. Check your pulse first. Put on your oxygen mask first. Process & deal with your own tough emotions so that you can support your child with theirs.
Listen in for Tonya's suggestions on how to do this. She explains it in the context of helping your child, but I think it could also be extremely helpful with our own selves. Because your emotion resides within you,
"It can never get bigger than you are. You are always going to be bigger than it."
This little reminder feels safe and can be an anchor when you're swirling. You are strong and so are your children.
Connect with Tonya
Website: https://guidanceforthefuture.com/
Facebook: @guidancefuture
Instagram: @tonyacrombie3
Tonya Crombie
Dr. Tonya Crombie is the best-selling author of Stop Worrying About Your Anxious Child and the upcoming, Stop Worrying About Your Anxious Teenager. She is also a certified life coach who likes nothing better than teaching parents how to help themselves and their children when they struggle with stress, overwhelm, and anxiety. Tonya has an MBA and a doctorate in Industrial/Organizational psychology. However, in addition to being someone with letters behind her name, Tonya is the mom of two teenagers who have had their own struggles with anxiety. All of her work as a coach, speaker, writer, and facilitator is informed by her experience as a parent of anxious children and is driven by her desire to help young people thrive in the high-pressure, stressful world in which we live. Tonya lives outside of New Orleans with her amazing husband, two awesome teenagers, one feisty kitten, and two incredibly barky dogs.